A funnier Facebook profile you never will read

I have a friend on Facebook.  He’s a friend according to the old definition.  We met in New York years ago, before email, before the world wide web, even before Mark Zuckerberg was a twinkle in his father’s eye.  In the meantime our lives have taken us on different journeys, and we now live thousands of miles away from each other and from the city in which we originally met.

Although my friend has just joined Facebook, he has made a grand entrance with one of the wittiest, best written profiles I’ve ever had the pleasure to read.  It makes mine read like a prayer book.  He completely takes the piss out of the info page because he’s made the whole thing up virtually from start to finish.  No tedious lists of his favorite books and music, no platitudes about life or love, no career history.  Just a parody worthy of the best of Saturday Night Live.

The odd thing about it — although you receive almost no true information from this info page, you get to know him better than if he had provided his life story.

I happily provide some of my favorite excerpts.  Be prepared to fall off your chair.  (I’ve concealed his name to protect the guilty.)

Activities: I have many interests that keep me busy, I regularly attend a spoon-balancing class, I toss dwarves twice a week at IBT’s, I attend a lesbian outreach program (can’t we all just get along?); I have an extensive Beenie Baby collection (3547 and counting!!); I enjoy my Tibetan meditation class and my Linda Evens deep tissue, cell regeneration/60+ femme fatale slow-mo step class, I teach spinning classes because it gives me a chance to yell at people without getting slapped.

Favorite Music: Yoko Ono’s “Mating Cry of the Tibetan Yak” (I know, all her albums sound the same, huh?); and any large African-American woman you-done-me-wrong-get-out-you-bastard song.

Favorite TV Shows: Kill your TV
Favorite Books: Remarks on Color by Ludwig Wittgenstein.  If you read at all I am half way to loving you!

About Me:  My socks always match. Though I gave up a promising career spinning plates on those sharp pointy sticks, I can generally buy lunch without holding up a liquor store, except on Fridays when I do it for sport. I have never bowled, but I have gone skydiving and wished I’d gone bowling instead.  I can do a dead-on impression of Carol Channing auditioning for the role of Hannibal Lechter in “Silence of the Lambs.”

Though I’m no longer soliciting endorsements I remain completely and utterly fabulous and need no reinforcement. If I’m not your cup of tea, I wish you happiness and prosperity on your own personal journey. Did I mention my socks always match?

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